My Baby Is Three!
I love this kid.
He is funny and grouchy and passionate and tenderhearted. He has to crawl on my lap and give me nose kisses every day, sometimes several times a day. He adores trains and cars and shares that enthusiasm with me. He can make me laugh my head off, and make me go crazy trying to deal with his toddler meltdowns and grouchy attitude that drive his day. But, if he sees me cry, he softly strokes my hair and makes sure I’m alright. He really is a wonderful boy, and sometimes I stare at his big blue eyes, blonde hair and impish smile and find it hard to believe that this kid was manufactured right here in Leah’s womb.
That was three years ago.
He was the most beautiful baby boy, and I cherished every minute of his infancy. Having him has made everything in my life better.
So that is definitely worth celebrating!
He adores Lightening McQueen and all things Cars, so that was our theme.
There were gifts galore. A Transformer, disc shooting guns, Cars Memory game, a Woody Shake ‘n Go car and a new Chuggington movie and wooden train set and engines.
He is kind of silly when it comes to opening gifts and can’t be persuaded to rip the paper off by himself. He had lots of help from friends, or we would have never gotten them all open. I think he actually prefers to have someone else open his gifts!
We feasted on fajitas, grapes, cupcakes and juice.
We had four families over to help us celebrate. This picture made me so happy when I saw it- not because it is the best photo of anyone in the shot, just because so many people I dearly love got into this one. This is my family and my closest friends. There isn’t a person in this shot who I don’t love to bits, and that made me tear up a bit. Beautiful people all.
All in all, it was a really great birthday. I didn’t get pictures of everything. We had a Lightening McQueen pinata and many more friends than got into the shots, most of whom had really great, photo worthy cake faces at some point or another. The little kids were very enthusiastic about the cupcake trees!
Happy Birthday, Gabriel!
The Top Item On My To Do List Reads: Get A Grip
Item number one: Get a Grip. No, really, it is there because yesterday when filling my blank notebook pages with my running list of responsibilities, it stood out as the most important thing I need to do. I have not been coping well this week.
Now, I think I have every right in the universe to be having a bit of an internal freak out. After all, how many people do you know who go from expecting to miscarriage to needs 3 major surgeries, including a hysterectomy within under two months? It is the stuff of made for TV dramas, not stuff that should be in my life.
And I have been dealing with stuff pretty well. I am very much a person who approaches problems with a business-like, matter-o-fact attitude, and once the problem is solved, then I go freak out privately. Pregnant? Adjust expectations. Miscarriage? Adjust again, be sad for a day or two, deal. Broken girlie bits? Take the suckers out!
I think I’ve done pretty well with all of this, all things considered. I owned enough emotion to deal with the first two items, but this last one just has me absolutely reeling. I think it is the combined effects of too much change too quickly, the finality of it all, and a lot of hormones.
Now, when I saw the doctor on Monday, I had a pretty clear idea of what was going on, and a pretty clear idea of how I intended to fix the problem. I had the facts; I made sensible decisions. Once the doctor confirmed my expectations and then some, and agreed that my choices were reasonable, well, move forward? Right?
Where I am at is that both the anterior and posterior vaginal walls are prolapsing. My uterus is prolapsing slightly. Now the first two? Yeah, that needs dealing with. The third- that can wait. So- I could preserve my fertility. . .but women in my family history have all needed hysterectomies pretty early on, usually around age 40. So- do it all at once, spare myself the pain and expense of another surgery? Delaying the inevitable isn’t my cup of tea, but I can’t seem to get to a 100% feeling great about the choice. I feel good about it. I feel it is absolutely reasonable, logical and sensible. We do know that my chances of having another child are slim. I have trouble getting pregnant, staying pregnant and being pregnant. My pregnancies are so violent and horrible that I can honestly say I never want to do it again. Chris never wants me pregnant again (for good reason) and his vote counts a lot. We have three little walking miracles at our house and that is amazing and blessed and really fortunate. I am also alive and well, so that is also pretty impressive.
So- logically- wow. Get it done, get it over with. Rejoice in white bedding and never needing to walk down the tampon aisle again. Cheer for no cramps and total sexual freedom without worry. Count my blessings, be grateful for what I have and that I can do all of this in a reasonable, non-emergent, healthy setting. Also- no chance of uterine cancer, reduced chances of breast cancer, and no more miscarriages. Move on. Love the rest of my life with the baby factory permanently shut down and focus on me for a change. Use MY God given talents, most of which, frankly, do NOT fall into the realm of mothering. Adjust finances to family of five forever. More money is good, right? Be glad my family fits in most standard vehicles and most typical homes and never have to worry about it changing. No what ifs! There are MANY pros here, people. And if we really need a bigger family, after all is said and done, Chris and I are both very open to adoption. VERY.
So- I’m 95% convinced this is a good thing.
Except it doesn’t explain why I can’t sleep at night and why I spontaneously burst into tears. It doesn’t account for this ache, this hollowness, this blinding void that comes so fast and hits so hard it leaves me breathless, frightened and anxiety ridden. Perhaps this hurt and worry is normal? Perhaps a person should be disconcerted before going into major, life altering surgery- I don’t know; I’ve never done this before.
I wish I could get a clearer confirmation that I’m doing the right thing.
I told my mother I wasn’t sure and she asked if I could hear my grandmother screaming at me from the other side. Then she channeled Grandma Donna, told me I was a dumb shit and that I had a defective uterus that had never worked right and 3 beautiful, intelligent children, and it was time to be done.
Which is exactly what my grandmother would say.
I am a dumb shit sometimes.
Sigh.
Surgery is scheduled for the 29th. Leap day.
Leap of faith day.
Watson Says: You’re The Top!
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Today the hubs and I caught a lovely lunch at Olive Garden, bought Gabe’s birthday gift and then he went back to work and I did some errand running.
Gabe’s party for his third birthday is Cars themed. He is a total Cars nut, and has actually gone so far as to re-Christen most household objects with the names of Cars characters. He has stopped saying waters or sippy and now just calls it “McQueen”- there’s a Lightening McQueen on his sippy cup, so that now means milk. If he wants something random, it becomes a “Mater”- like, see that awesome thing I am thinking about in my brain? I will call it Mater so you can understand the awesomeness of what I am asking for. Of course- I have no clue what he wants, but it is interesting.
Gabe is also crazy for Chuggington Station, a new train cartoon. I am kind of glad my kids each have different preschool cartoon they have been in to. I can only deal with one Dora or one Chuggington or one Spiderman obsession- if all three picked the same show, I’d lose my mind. Gabe asks for Chugging-none frequently.
He is big into Thomas the Tank Engine as well, and we’ve collected the wooden sets since Jonas was a baby. Gabe asks me to build him a train track almost every day, and the pieces are all stored in our living room for easy access. I was very happy to find that the Chuggington wooden railway is compatible with the Thomas sets, so Gabe is getting a small Chuggington set for his birthday on Saturday. I even found Chuggington wrapping paper, so I am pretty sure he’ll go nuts when he sees it. I just can’t let him see it beforehand or I’ll be subjected to a nasty tantrum.
I think Gabe is by far the most grouchy child we have. He is a sweetheart and he is affectionate but when it comes down to being just plain ornery, he takes the cake. I suppose that is to be expected; Chris and I are both cranky and stubborn and given to moments of petulance and occasional stomping I mean lovely, charitable, gracious individuals with no Oscar the Grouch qualities whatsoever.
Watson is in the throws of puppy regression and crazy behavior. He is officially six months old and is acting. . .like a six month old puppy. I love him the way I love my two year old- with extreme wariness, an urge to protect any delicate body parts from jumping and flailing and an almost uncontrollable urge to kiss his nose at the same time.
The truly beautiful thing here, the thing making all the puddles and jumping and crazy behavior worth it, is that these two are very closely bonded. They are at about the exact same developmental stage and they understand each other completely. Watson has respect for Gabe, and Gabe has no fear with Watson. Gabe can tell Watson off, grab him and drag him outside and yell no and Watson listens. The other two kids don’t have that relationship with Watson and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that Gabe communicates so physically that they are able to read each other’s body language.
In three years, these two will be awesome, and I will be leading a much calmer lifestyle. That is, if I survive.
This post is sponsored by the good folks providing internet and cable packages!
An Augason Farms Winner!
Happy Valentine’s Day! I said I would announce the lucky winner of the Augason Farms Emergency bucket today, so cue the trumpets, and blow the fanfare for Nina C!
Nina Csays:
I would love to have some small food storage while we are stuck in our condo! That bucket would be like three day food kit in a very small space! Here’s hoping!
Thank you to all who entered. I hope you will go take advantage of the last day of the Valentine’s Day Sale over at Augason Farms and stock your pantry with some great food!
February Life
I got to go on a fun trip to Bismarck, ND to visit the LDS Temple there last weekend. My parents live 3 hours in the opposite direction, so they met us there. It is so fun to live close enough to meet up on occasion! Chris and I had a wonderful time, attended three temple sessions, and had lunch with my parents at Cracker Barrel.
Both kids had parent teacher conferences this week, and I am pleased to report that they are both brilliant and doing well. In fact, they are so brilliant that both teachers think they can do better, so we will be pushing once again for excellence. It is funny how quickly kids realize there is a bare minimum and that is really all they have to meet. Yes, sweetheart, you are an all A student- but Mommy expects even more. I am trying hard to balance that out. I think, in this circumstance, it is better that my children learn to work hard and push themselves, rather than just get the A. Eventually they will hit harder stuff, and it is the work ethic that will save them, not their inherent intelligence. So, yes. I am that mom. Someday they’ll thank me. Or put me in a really cheap nursing home. I’m crossing my fingers for the first. At any rate, I tempered the ‘do better’ lecture with a generous trip to the school book fair so they can’t resent me too much.
I am eagerly awaiting a doctor appointment on Monday. In the wake of the pregnancy and miscarriage I realized we have another problem with the girly bits that need a specialist’s attention. I know, OH JOY. Something has most definitely prolapsed and will almost undoubtedly require surgical attention. I’m just waiting for the appointment to map out a plan of attack. That and anxiously trying to figure out how to deal with surgery and a busy household. Also- do NOT, if you value your eyesight and happy view of the world google pelvic prolapse images. Just don’t. No amount of brain bleach, puppy photos and rainbows will ever erase the pictures from your mind. OK- well, more on that later when I know exactly what is going on and what we’re doing about it.
Now that that is out of the way, have you entered to win the Augason Farms emergency food storage in the post below? I hope so! I draw the winner on Tuesday, so get on it!
Baby Steps To A More Natural Life Style
I was offered a chance to review the newest additions to the classic Johnson’s Baby line- a whole new array of products focused on using more natural ingredients. They want to promote simple changes in how we use the resources the world has given, because these simple changes add up to a big difference. Since they are a company focusing primarily on the world’s newest inhabitants, it is so fitting and sensible that they would want to lead the way in keeping this world lovely and our resources available for these babies!
I admit, I am always a bit hesitant to use “all natural” products. They are either a huge success of a huge flop with me because I am seriously allergic to so many natural elements (grass, dirt, mold, pollen, most pretty flower scents). . .as you may imagine- it is always a leap of faith to grab something out of the ordinary for my skin or for my kids’ skin! We all get sneezy and rashy in a hurry, and I can make myself sick just putting the wrong soap or lotion on one of my babies!
We tested out the new shampoo and lotion and I was pleased with both! They are pleasantly, super mildly scented, and sensitive enough for my skin. If you want to take a baby step toward a more natural lifestyle, check these new Johnson’s Natural products right here. And kudos to another company taking steps in the right direction!
“I wrote this review while participating in a campaign by Mom Central Consulting on behalf of Johnson’s Natural and received a product sample to facilitate my review, and a promotional item to thank me for participating.”
Cookin’ With Augason Farms
Today we are going to look at a few great Augason Farms products, as well as some recipes that will go beautifully with your food storage! Beans are the food I’m featuring today, and although there are a million excellent recipes calling for beans, I’m going to show off two of my favorites. Legumes are a food storage staple. They are loaded with nutrients and can be prepared as a meat substitute for many meals.
a solid food storage has a good supply of legumes!
When I hear the word beans, the first place my brain goes is to my chili recipes. Chili is perfect for a cozy mid-winter night and great in the summertime slathered over a hot dog or drowning a fry bread taco in flavor. Chilies almost always make for great freezer meals as well, and are easy to make ahead of time and store for situations when you just don’t have the time or energy to cook, such as preparation for a surgery or new baby or a particularly busy season at work.
So let me share one of my favorites!
Chicken Taco Chili
1 cup chopped onion- fresh or Augason Farms dehydrated onions
34 oz of black beans- two cans or appx 2-3 cups of dried
16-oz kidney beans- one can or appx 1-1 1/2 cups dried
1 16 oz can tomato sauce- or Augason Farms Tomato Powder
10 oz corn (frozen, canned or freeze dried)
2 14.5-oz cans diced tomatoes w/chilies (used a 28 oz can of diced tomatoes)
1 taco seasoning packet
1 tbsp cumin
2-4 tbsp chili powder depending on how hot you like your chili- I usually go about 3
24 0z. (3) boneless skinless chicken breasts, left over chicken or canned chicken if you are going pantry only.
chopped chili peppers (this is optional)
chopped fresh cilantro (also optional)
This is a very simple recipe- dump it all into a crock pot and let it simmer until it is hot and blended together.
I like to serve it over Augason Farms Corn Bread. YUM!
Now, we need some chocolate to go with that super yummy chili. Did you know that if you eat something too spicy and need to fix that burning sensation chocolate is a guaranteed fix? It is the best natural remedy out there!
Augason Farms has a great brownie mix (and it is on sale right now as part of the Valentine’s Day sale). I know you may be asking why I keep “junk food” in my food storage. Isn’t food storage just beans and rice and essentials so we don’t starve to death? Well, yes. That is obviously the first priority. However, comfort foods can make a huge difference in morale, and a chewy brownie can be a very soothing treat in a time when food is scarce or resources are tight.
Plus, you can make brownies healthier by adding black beans. Yes, you read that right. They will be lower calorie, lower sodium, higher protien and fiber- and they’ll be CHOCOLATE!
Bean Brownies
Ingredients:
1 15 ounce can (or 1.5 cup of dry) black beans
1/4 cup chopped walnuts (if you feel so inclined)
How to:
Rinse the beans. Put the beans back in the can and add enough water to cover beans. Puree the beans and water until they are a well blended paste. Add brownie mix to black bean puree and mix. Cook in greased 9 X 9 baking pan. Bake brownies according to package directions. You will probably need to bake them a little longer- just test them with a toothpick to make sure they are cooked through. Makes about 20 super yummy brownies.
Now, I want to show you a really great new product Augason Farms has come out with. They have these new emergency pails that contain enough food for one person for 11 days as well as a self filtering water container. These are perfect for emergency situations, 72 hour kits (we have 2 as part of our family’s 72 hour kit), camping or quick and easy on the go food situations! They also just came out with a larger version (I so want this! And it is on sale right now!) that has enough food for 30 days. Get one for each family member and you have an instant one month supply for your whole family, complete with cooking instructions and suggestions. And, yes, it has a 25 year shelf life, so once you have your buckets, you are good to go for a quarter of a century.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, and in connection with Augason Farms, I am giving away one of the 4 gallon buckets, as pictured in the the photo above. This is a $75 value and I can’t wait to send it off to one lucky, lucky reader!
You have three chances to win.
1) Leave me a comment right here. Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy.
2) Go LIKE Augason Farms on Facebook! They like you, so go like them back!
3) Tweet, Facebook or Blog about this give-a-way and link back to this post.
Drop me a comment for each entry, and I will randomly draw a winner on V-day!
Good luck!
Photo Posting
a boy and his dog'
schmoozing for the camera
Gabe's early birthday gift- a Lightening McQueen potty.
my cinnamon rolls
tickle torture
my son.
my other son
Not the best photos ever taken, but they are a slice of life.
Another Loss
So far, 2012 has completely jerked me around, flipped me inside out and hung me upside down by the ankles.
A Favorite Memory
You see, as the new year came in I realized I was pregnant. Over time I got a few positive pregnancy tests confirming what the newly found ten pounds, much larger (and more painful) chest, exhaustion and increased sense of smell had already confirmed for me. There was a baby on the way.
This is the very first time I have had a truly unexpected pregnancy. Now, I have nothing against another child. In fact, I would be thrilled if number four would just arrive via stork and bypass the whole pregnancy situation. Chris and I have even talked about adopting in the future. We have no problem with a bigger family- we just have a problem with me being being the baby maker.
Chris, especially, never wants to see me pregnant again. My mother and many other people (including a few doctors) have advised against it. For me, pregnancy involves being severely ill. It involves complications. It involves hospitalizations (7 weeks straight with Jonas), and lots of inpatient days filled with IV fluids and medications designed to keep me from throwing up until my organs shut down from dehydration. (Oh, how I wish that were hyperbole). I have hyperemesis gravidarum. I also have pre-term labor, months on bed rest and a history of running out of amniotic fluid weeks before my due date. Pregnancy scares the crap out of my husband because he has to watch his wife slowly disintegrate. It isn’t appealing to me, either. I’m a doer, so being flat on my back and having to watch everything around me go to seed because I’m not available to tend a house, or properly care for my children, or even get myself showered without help is pure hell. The loss of control is worse than the nausea, a slow psychological torture for a type-A individual like myself. I can’t even imagine what the ill health is doing to my body on a cellular level. It is also unbearably lonely. If I were hydrated enough, I would cry buckets of tears the whole time because it sucks that badly.
All that being reality, I will tell you that every single day of it is worth it, because there is nothing in this world as precious as motherhood- yes, even if it nearly kills you.
So, I was shocked. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I had five weeks to accomplish everything I had planned for the next year. I felt like I was being given another chance at motherhood, after being told it was over. I was excited and terrified and wary and hopeful and so confused I couldn’t even put a label on how I was feeling for two weeks straight. I couldn’t even talk about it, because I just didn’t have the words. I finally landed on bewildered. I was completely and totally bewildered.
I greedily envisioned another beautiful daughter. Tiny dresses, baby dolls- a sister for the precious seven year old who slipped into the boy’s bedroom where I was half asleep the other night, trying to get Gabe to rest, and said, “I wish I had a sister to comfort me” as she curled up on the floor with a blanket and pillow, breaking my heart into a thousand pieces.
I saw another Christmas stocking filled (already purchased a few Christmases ago, out of sheer, blind hope), smiling family portraits, weddings and missions and being rich with grandchildren. I saw fights and sibling rivalry. I heard the increased volume in our home and felt my matching anxiety level. I saw hugs and sweetness and the charity only children have. I considered the possibility of Autism, Down Syndrome and a million other things that can unexpectedly change everything. I saw excited grandparents and proud great grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles- a family full of love, full of welcome. I saw bills, too. Braces, a broken leg, college, more bedrooms; thank heaven our car easily seats another two people already!
I foresaw months of vomiting; malnutrition and dehydration defining every moment of my existence, brutally carving everything I loved out of my control and out of my life, until all I could do was lay there and wait for merciful labor to arrive and painfully give me my life back. I considered falling apart- again. I saw my children derailed in their teaching and shaping, nine months off because I didn’t have anything left to give. I saw my oldest, who had already been through this twice do it again- thankfully old enough to be helpful, but young enough to still need a lot of helping.
I laid awake many nights seeing it all, and when it was entirely reviewed, I got on my knees and begged God to let me keep this child.
—
Early on in this, I had a very clear impression that I was indeed, expecting, but that I would lose the pregnancy. I tried really hard to ignore that whisper. I worked out plans in my head where we just made it all work. I turned every negative into a positive fix. I went completely Pollyanna on the issue because it would work because it just had to work. I was unreasonable.
I also wisely told myself not to get attached. I have a history of miscarriage. I have a medical chart that clearly states that if I beat the odds and fall pregnant, the other set of crappy odds will come along and swiftly destroy that tiny miracle. I proved it wrong once; we have Gabe. Wise or not, the heart wants what it wants. Dreams you’ve denied yourself for years are pretty hard to set aside when they magically appear, even for the most prudent and calloused of us.
I tried really hard to resist, but it was such a happy dream.
I miscarried on Friday.
—
I can’t begin to tell you how completely jerked around I felt. Why in the world would God even put this on my plate, just to take it away? This was cruel. This was unfair. This made no sense.
I was so willing to do this, even if it was hard, if that was God’s plan for me. It was suggested that He was testing me- and I felt hurt that He would even think I wouldn’t shift my paradigm to fit His will. To the best of my human ability, I always had before. Do I still require proving in that of all areas? What a horrible suggestion. And to test me in reverse by taking it away- well, that’s just mean. And then I felt guilt for thinking that about the one person who knows me best, who knows my needs and who has always met them.
I wanted to yell at every person who ever thought my life was easy. I wanted to walk out in public, in front of anyone who had ever thought me capable or lucky, and give them a dressing down because they. were. so. wrong. I wanted to scream at anyone who had ever hated me and wished me ill. I wanted to tell these faceless, mystery people exactly where they could get off because dammit, this hurt. I knew it was completely irrational.
I felt inadequate. The words Just Plain Not Good Enough rang pretty loudly in my ears. I felt betrayed. I felt seriously annoyed with my Creator and that scared me, because I have never spent a single day upset with God, even at the worst of times- even during previous losses. Inexplicably, it just hurt more this time. It has been more confusing this time, and the immediate peace that accompanied this before just wasn’t there. I can’t tell you why. I don’t know.
I pushed through my weekend, keeping as busy as I could. I built a Pinewood Derby car. I taught Maggie to make friendship bracelets. I read a book, folded laundry, and built a million train tracks with Gabriel. I went to church. I made twenty-five cinnamon rolls, even though I had no appetite. I threw myself into work. I went shopping. The house got cleaned and a tiny part of me was grateful when the dog got an upset stomach and required four different baths and kennel clean ups because of it. When I was so weak I thought I would pass out, I ignored it, laid down on a friend’s couch and watched a movie to put it out of my head.
Sunday night I knew I’d had it. I was so emotionally and physically drained there was nothing left. Miscarriages? They are silent and invisible, but so exhausting. I cleared Monday’s schedule, and it was a good thing because at 5:15am, I broke down. I gave myself Monday to just feel it. I am grateful for good friends who understand me well enough to step in, who don’t ask if they can help, but who just tell me how and when they are stepping in to cover me when I’m down.
I’m ok now. I don’t understand why this happens. Some pregnancies just aren’t viable. Sometimes bodies just don’t cooperate. I don’t need to understand why. Perhaps there is no why. All I need to know is who I am, and that I am truly loved. I know what God expects of me. All I need to do is follow that, and I’m just fine.
Laptop. . .Kinda
My husband bought me a laptop. It is 2012- and I have never had a laptop. I know. Welcome to the future, Leah. Oh wait, that would probably entail a pad or tablet some some kind, which I do not have so. . .welcome to twelve years ago.
And, in case you were wondering exactly how much I do not like technological change, I have said laptop closed, on my counter, plugged in to my nice big screen and I am using a wireless mouse and keyboard.
Yeah. I know. Love me anyway.
This new computer didn’t come with any photo software, which is why there is no photo post this week. I sat down with the best of intentions, but my hands are tied. I need to get that figured out and then I will catch up.
In other news:
-I have been telling myself I will do something creative for several days now, and I have lots of new goodies here to work with, but it has been a crazy few days and I have been physical and emotionally spent. No room for creativity.
-Jonas’ Pinewood Derby is coming up, so I’ve been investing a lot of time in making a car for with my kid. Last year’s Pinewood Derby was a complete disaster. We did not know that you can buy kits to help you make these cars and so we did the best we could with a block of wood, a knife and spray paint- but the danged car lost every single race. This year I brought a 40% coupon to Hobby Lobby, bought a kit and if this darn car doesn’t win at least 1/4th of the time I am going to be so skeeved.
-I have seriously wonderful friends.
-My Tupperware arrived and my pantry is crammed full of it. It is actually a little intimidating.
-There’s more, but I will have to post later.
Leah out.
