The Top Item On My To Do List Reads: Get A Grip
Item number one: Get a Grip. No, really, it is there because yesterday when filling my blank notebook pages with my running list of responsibilities, it stood out as the most important thing I need to do. I have not been coping well this week.
Now, I think I have every right in the universe to be having a bit of an internal freak out. After all, how many people do you know who go from expecting to miscarriage to needs 3 major surgeries, including a hysterectomy within under two months? It is the stuff of made for TV dramas, not stuff that should be in my life.
And I have been dealing with stuff pretty well. I am very much a person who approaches problems with a business-like, matter-o-fact attitude, and once the problem is solved, then I go freak out privately. Pregnant? Adjust expectations. Miscarriage? Adjust again, be sad for a day or two, deal. Broken girlie bits? Take the suckers out!
I think I’ve done pretty well with all of this, all things considered. I owned enough emotion to deal with the first two items, but this last one just has me absolutely reeling. I think it is the combined effects of too much change too quickly, the finality of it all, and a lot of hormones.
Now, when I saw the doctor on Monday, I had a pretty clear idea of what was going on, and a pretty clear idea of how I intended to fix the problem. I had the facts; I made sensible decisions. Once the doctor confirmed my expectations and then some, and agreed that my choices were reasonable, well, move forward? Right?
Where I am at is that both the anterior and posterior vaginal walls are prolapsing. My uterus is prolapsing slightly. Now the first two? Yeah, that needs dealing with. The third- that can wait. So- I could preserve my fertility. . .but women in my family history have all needed hysterectomies pretty early on, usually around age 40. So- do it all at once, spare myself the pain and expense of another surgery? Delaying the inevitable isn’t my cup of tea, but I can’t seem to get to a 100% feeling great about the choice. I feel good about it. I feel it is absolutely reasonable, logical and sensible. We do know that my chances of having another child are slim. I have trouble getting pregnant, staying pregnant and being pregnant. My pregnancies are so violent and horrible that I can honestly say I never want to do it again. Chris never wants me pregnant again (for good reason) and his vote counts a lot. We have three little walking miracles at our house and that is amazing and blessed and really fortunate. I am also alive and well, so that is also pretty impressive.
So- logically- wow. Get it done, get it over with. Rejoice in white bedding and never needing to walk down the tampon aisle again. Cheer for no cramps and total sexual freedom without worry. Count my blessings, be grateful for what I have and that I can do all of this in a reasonable, non-emergent, healthy setting. Also- no chance of uterine cancer, reduced chances of breast cancer, and no more miscarriages. Move on. Love the rest of my life with the baby factory permanently shut down and focus on me for a change. Use MY God given talents, most of which, frankly, do NOT fall into the realm of mothering. Adjust finances to family of five forever. More money is good, right? Be glad my family fits in most standard vehicles and most typical homes and never have to worry about it changing. No what ifs! There are MANY pros here, people. And if we really need a bigger family, after all is said and done, Chris and I are both very open to adoption. VERY.
So- I’m 95% convinced this is a good thing.
Except it doesn’t explain why I can’t sleep at night and why I spontaneously burst into tears. It doesn’t account for this ache, this hollowness, this blinding void that comes so fast and hits so hard it leaves me breathless, frightened and anxiety ridden. Perhaps this hurt and worry is normal? Perhaps a person should be disconcerted before going into major, life altering surgery- I don’t know; I’ve never done this before.
I wish I could get a clearer confirmation that I’m doing the right thing.
I told my mother I wasn’t sure and she asked if I could hear my grandmother screaming at me from the other side. Then she channeled Grandma Donna, told me I was a dumb shit and that I had a defective uterus that had never worked right and 3 beautiful, intelligent children, and it was time to be done.
Which is exactly what my grandmother would say.
I am a dumb shit sometimes.
Sigh.
Surgery is scheduled for the 29th. Leap day.
Leap of faith day.
Leah – I totally get those feelings. While I don’t have the uterine issues you do, my choice in the fertility situation was greatly taken out of my hands after 3 c-sections and the hugely increased chances of rupture. I wasn’t looking to have more children, I just hated the whole idea of things being largely taken away from me without my input. I can tell you though that you do adjust to what you ultimately feel is right and the regret/sadness does fade.
Hugs and prayers.
All things considered, Leah, I think you are doing the right thing…like my opinion counts, lol. But, it Is another
opinion. I will be keeping you in my prayers for a quick and safe recovery. Hugs..
Saying a prayer for you girl!!! That is a LOT to take in in such a short time…allow yourself time to deal with those feelings! Even though I have NO plans for more children, I think having a hysterectomy would hit a little hard…even with all the positives! HUGS!
I am sending you a huge bunch of hugs Leah! I think I sort of understand your feelings. I am NOT going to have another baby. It wouldn’t be a good idea for me or for my family. When I was spending those 5 weeks at the hospital last spring, waiting for Tuva to be born, at least 4 different doctors talked to me about sterilization. They made it pretty clear that they thought it was a very good idea and since they were taking Tuva out with a scheduled CS, there was this fab opportunity.
If I was only listening to my logic self, they were so right. It was a very good idea. I almost did it. But I didn’t, because it didn’t FEEL right and one of the doctors heard my hesitation and adviced me not to do it. I can’t give you any advice and that’s not what I’m trying to do. Right now I guess I wish that I had done it. But I also understand why I didn’t and I guess that has to be ok. 
Lots of ramblings from me… I’m sorry, I don’t know if it makes any sense but I just wanted to say that it is a huge thing, with so many feelings, non-logical feelings, attached to it… most of all I wish you good luck. Many hugs!
Leah, I stumbled onto your website one day because I liked the title Life as Lou, My name is Lucy, My family calls me Lou or Auntie Lu Lu. Reading your post today caused my heart to ache for you. I am not offering any advice just want to say I think I know how you’re feeling. I went to the Dr. for a routine pap. He said “that’s some tumor, have you considered hysterectomy?” He was quite surprised When I burst into tears. Whats wrong? I said I dont have children and I want 13 I cant imagine never having any. Long story short Leah, after another 6 mos of trying- the tumor became life threatening- I had to have the surgery. My feelings of loss and emptiness were overwhelming. We adopted. She’s now a senior in college. We are happy with her and our choice. God is Good and He doesn’t give us any more than we can bear. Praying for you and yours.
s
I am sending you lots of prayers and soothing thoughts to help you through this turbulent time in your life. There will be something that someone says or does that will bring you some peace with this decision soon. Hang in there!
I can’t offer any advice, but I can offer support. You need to do what is best for you and your family. In the long run I truly believe you are making the right choice. I’ll be sending you positive thoughts over the next few weeks.
Leah, just want you to know I care… I’m sorry you are going through this… life is so not fair sometimes but we do the best we can. You are not a dumb shit, you are human! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Nicole
I love your blog. And I know I would have loved your Grandma Donna. Logically I think your decisionis right, but I can’t imagine how tough this week had probably been for you. Do you know how long they will keep you in the hospital?
Let me know..I’ll call you,
Melissa
I am so sorry you are going through this, like you I had problems with pregnancy etc, I have 2 lovely children and at the age of just 30 ended up having a hysterectomy. I have to say that it was the best thing I had done, after all the worry and illness before. After the hysterectomy it felt like I had my life back, within 6 weeks I was back to work feeling the best I had in years, my children were 6 and 4 at the time and now 24 years later still do not regret getting it done.
Leah, so sorry to hear of your troubles.
Whenever I feel down or get bad news, I always find comfort and strength in my children. I am so thankful that I have them. You have three wonderful and beautiful children. You are blessed. Stay strong. I wish you all the best.
I am sorry you are going through so much…Know that you have a friend who still loves you even though we have not been able to see each other in years. I know everything will turn out well for you because you are such a great person. Call if you ever need to talk.
that is a lot to be dealing with…for anyone. thankfully the date is finally set. i’m sure you’ll be on an emotional roller coaster for a while, and we’ll be right here for you to lean on as you go through it. like your mother said, you have been blessed with three little miracles, amen to that. He cares deeply for you Leah, and will carry you, and protect you through this stage of your journey. i read something on Pinterest that i think you may appreciate. it says “if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” blessings to you today my friend.
Good Luck with your surgery Leah, after the whole 8 weeks is voer you really will be glad you did it. i was, its so freeing,not having to worry about leaking all over hte sheets and being near a bathroom so you can check every 15 mins that your not oozing all over the place like i was!! Gross i know. Two tips for you, get yourself a packet of thick always or some other sanitary towel, stick two of them back to back and cover your incision after you get home, i did and it made clutching my poor swollen tummy much easier as i was terrified of touching my wound!! I just lay it accross in my underwear and off i went. Also grab you a nice soft pillow and lay it between your knees and stick it under your swollen tummy too just like you would do if you had a pregnant belly, it eased the pull as my tummy settled down to sleep at night.Keep the pillow handy to lay over yout tummy as you sit during the day as well i had to deter a very determined cat from sleeping on it when i had mine, he was bound and determined that me sitting there with my feet up was his cue to lie on me and of course he had to pick exactly where the incision was the pillow kept him at bay!!!