Comparisons
This kind of illusion can make people feel bad.
I distinctly remember the first time I dropped by a friend’s home and saw an entire box of Cheerios strewn across the floor. We both had a preschooler and a toddler, and although my house frequently looked like this, I had hidden that reality away in my dark closet of parenting and homemaking shame. Seeing that I was completely and utterly normal was a burden lifted.
I have read a few interesting blog posts, e-mails and articles about how inadequate other people’s blogs and public images made people feel. I can sympathize. There are websites run by amazingly talented women that I took off my reading list because of how lacking I felt when I saw their stunning sewing and knitting projects. I do not knit or sew. Knitting, I simply don’t have enough time or patience to dedicate to. Sewing I consciously gave up in a noble effort to swear less, because nothing can make me cuss like ripping seams.
There were other blogs that featured large, beautiful families. They lived in perfect homes, and had perfect clothes, and got perfectly acknowledged for all of their perfect and seemingly inherent, effortless awesomeness. I am not perfect. I struggle with only three children and I live in military housing, which doesn’t belong in the same sentence as the word perfect. And there aren’t people standing in line to applaud me and throw open the windows of opportunity for just being me. Because I was found wanting in these areas, because I was jealous, I stopped reading.
Now I am well aware that you can take a photo and crop out the clutter. Pictures are usually taken when children and Mommies are all dolled up, and not straight out of bed. I have skills that you don’t have, and you have some that I don’t have. I have never, ever met a perfect family, only people who love each other in spite of a laundry list of imperfections. I have never met a person who didn’t feel pain over some hardship: illness, divorce, unfaithfulness, choices of their family members or struggles with their personal mistakes. I’ve met people who deal with all of this very well, beautifully and inspirationally, even, but no one is spared hard things. We’re all a little stupid and vulnerable. We’re all not perfect.
Isn’t it dumb? On one hand, someone thinks I’ve got it all together and on the other, I feel like a total loser. Why in the world do we as women and mothers choose to compare the worst of ourselves to the very best of others?
It is such a waste to draw these comparisons, and yet we do it all of the time. It is a crisis of perspective that causes depression, dependency, debt and at times, a loss of self, as we try to be more like someone who we aren’t and squander the talents that we do possess.
I love this quote from Patricia Holland.
“Obviously the Lord has created us with different personalities, as well as differing degrees of energy, interest, health, talent, and opportunity. So long as we are committed to righteousness and living a life of faithful devotion, we should celebrate these divine differences, knowing they are a gift from God. We must not feel so frightened, so threatened and insecure; we must not need to find exact replicas of ourselves in order to feel validated as women of worth. There are many things over which we can be divided, but one thing is needful for our unity—the empathy and compassion of the living Son of God.”
We are all blessed with both talents and inadequacies, and they can both make us better people if we know how to use our gifts to bless others and we know where to seek the blessings we need to become better.
I have been trying to teach my children that happiness isn’t found in things, and it isn’t found in fame or any kind of worldly recognition. Popularity doesn’t equate with joy as we see time and time again splashed across tabloids and news shows. There are a lot of very empty, unhappy people who we hold up as standards and try to emulate. We try to fill that emptiness with the popular car, the trendy hair, the designer bag, the auspicious social group. It never does get fixed that way. Some holes can’t be filled with anything found on earth- we have to look higher.
When we look sideways at our friends and neighbors to see who we should be, we will never get the right answer. We need to look heavenward, and receive inspiration and blessings that make us exactly who God created us to be. He created us to be Noble and Great and distinctly, uniquely Ourselves. That is the knowledge that erases the emptiness. If you are His, you cannot be a failure.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure and making people feel good, I am going to leave you a picture of my laundry room. I never quite got around to dealing with this disaster when we moved in, and it has been a dumping ground for all sorts of household rubble. Also, being sick this month has not lent itself to a whole lot of laundry getting done, so I had to stand on a pile of clothes to take this shot. There you go my friends, reality. And I’m still ok, in spite of it.
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Leah, I love you for posting that picture! For a second there I thought you had taken a picture of MY laundry room!
Thanks… I needed that!
< ![CDATA[thank you for another thoughtful post and a great photo!
I find that this notion of what other's have, is often the worst when it comes to money. I find myself talking to my husband about our finances and I say something like, 'well how is it possible for my sister to go on that vacation, and buy that dress, when I know they can't possibly have more income than us, yet we always seem to be scraping'
(I use often use my sister as a comparison because I happen to know a lot about her life, and her husband's job)
but the fact of the matter is - I DON'T know what her bills look like, I DON'T know how much debt or savings she has, I don't know a lot of things about her life. we all just need to stop assuming. and stop beating ourselves up!]]>
< ![CDATA[LOL - my family room floor looks about the same. My washer/dryer are in a closet in the family room. Dumest design for a house EVER! Although...it does inspire me to do laundry a teeny bit more often. But just a little ;)
I say play with the kids...leave the mess for later! ]]>
This post hits so close to home for me. My fiance and I just moved into a new house, and its much bigger than the house we lived in before. Suddenly it seems like all my time is taken up with cleaning and laundry and dishes. I try so hard to impress my family and friends with how orderly and kept up my house is, but it leaves me no time to enjoy my home. Your post gives me permission to not worry about cleaning up the mess in the kitchen today and work on my scrapbook without feeling guilty.
Oh, I feel so much better now!!! My sink was full (I mean FULL) of dishes from two days worth of meals. And that’s during the week when two kids eat lunch at school and I eat out for lunch. It took me a whopping 7 minutes to load the dishwasher before running the girls to school. I was embarrassed that it only took me that long – why couldn’t I have done it sooner?! If I could post a photo here, I’d show you my living room covered in Legos. And pretzels. And books. And Wii remotes. And pants. And sneakers. Oh, and colored pencils, a tent, and three jackets that apparently can’t hang themselves up. Ahh…Home.
Wow! Glad you posted THAT picture! Now, I feel better! Have a great day!
Very well said, Leah. That’s why I love your blog – you are real.
Thank you for being willing to show us your imperfect laundry room! I often thought some of those things (wow her kids are always dolled up, wow her house is SO beautiful, wow she can not only cook gourmet meals, write like nobody’s business, take great photos, but she also has made a job out of a hobby! HOW DOES SHE DO IT?) since I only get to see the blog instead of the actual Leah now. Not comparing, just wondering how it all got done. I often wondered what secret I was missing when I can’t even keep my 1100 sq.ft. condo clean, my daughters hair straight, and a part time job! Thanks for letting us know not even you are perfect and not even you can do it all, all the time.
Love it, love the candor, and transparency. Sometimes despite our best efforts people will still make up their own minds about who we are, and how we live. Thanks so much for your willingness to be authentic with us Leah.
Ahem! Love that pretty sunflower on your laundry room door!!
You are doubly blessed that you came to this realization rather early in life!Thank you for sharing your “realness” with us.
< ![CDATA[I know you have no idea who i am, and thet`s ok with me...LOL I have to tell you that i had such a bad day today and while i was sobbing for the third time in the afternoon I thought of you and what you would have to say about if it was you....your words are confident and strong and i wish i could write like that. I think you wrote this for me today....I`m trying to be strong, but sometimes life just keeps on kicking you when you haven`t even got up yet...such a struggle some times...
Thanks Leah for your honesty and for everything you post. I always look forward to your messages you post on your blog.]]>
< ![CDATA[I will be the first to admit that pretty much every crafty picture on my blog is taken with the horde of breakfast cereal and crafty stuff shoved to a corner! LOL
And... my weakness is the kitchen counters. They seem to be the dumping ground for... EVERYTHING! I have even found clothing there! WHY WHY!
Great post!]]>
< ![CDATA[Hi there, your are so right! Thanks for your thoughts and the picture - a normal family life! The same thoughts where ever you live; Finland, USA, Denmark, Russia...
Have a great day!]]>
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! You have made me feel so much better!! I had a second baby six months ago, my other boy is now nearly 12 so there’s a huge age gap. I have been struggling to maintain some semblance of order around my home and have to admit to wishing my home were as beautiful as yours. You always make the best of the space you’re given and your colour schemes are just gorgeous. It was truly refreshing to see your messy room! We should all post pictures of our messy spaces! Brilliant post, thanks Leah x
I have seen my laundry room look like that also. It is so weird that there is always one spot in 99.9% of homes that catches everything in a holding pattern!
< ![CDATA[Thank you Leah for such a "REAL" post!! I enjoyed reading it because not only do I relate... I need to remind myself not to look to the left or to the right, but above (from whence cometh my help!) And I can also relate to the laundry room... our daughter has had the stomach bug and I have washed MOUNDS of laundry, pillows, blankets, etc. this week so everything thing else is behind!!
Hope you have a blessed weekend!]]>
< ![CDATA[ha!!! i love it ;)
the one thing I've appreciated about getting "older" is that I am more comfortable in my own skin. I know I'm not as OCD as some of my friends and when they come to my house.....it is what it is. Hopefully clean, but never perfect! And that is ok!]]>
THANK YOU!!! My scrapbook room looks kinda like that and I’m always closing the door for fear anyone besides family will see it. I keep working at organizing but then get caught up in a project and…well…there goes THAT idea!
I’m so happy that I learned to escape that frame of mind because I might have deleted your blog from my list of favs…because your scrapbooking and cards are so totally amazing and more beautiful than mine. BUT, age sometimes brings grace in that I finally can accept what I do well and what I do not and totally love and appreciate the talent of others…I’m 67, tho, and it did take a while, lol.
Leah, this spoke to me in so many ways I can’t even talk about them all! It has taken me a long time to accept myself and realize that what people show the world is usually not reality (in high school I always thought if I could just be a little smaller I would be perfectly happy like the cheerleaders/popular girls). And remember when I didn’t want Maggie to come clean up after my pup; that was b/c I was embarrassed of my backyard. Anyway, thanks for reminding all of us that we aren’t perfect & we don’t need to be! I’m just being me
I just have one thing to say about that: you have a HUGE laundry room and for that I am jealous!
Always something bigger and better out there. I think we’re all doing juuust fine. 
Oh my gosh…this blog post was heaven sent. I, too, have stopped following certain blogs because not because of them, but because of ME…ie. how I FELT about myself and my life after visiting their little space on the www. I serve as the Laurel advisor in my ward, and a few weeks ago (ok, ok, maybe it was actually a couple of weeks AFTER Christmas) my YW president dropped by to give me a manual, and she said “Man, I like being friends with you…you make me look good. I just got my decorations down yesterday, and felt like a slacker, and you still haven’t taken yours down YET!”. lol I just thought, “Well, maybe making her feel good because my house is a wreck might not be the worst thing in the world.” A couple of years ago, that comment would have crushed me, but now that I am forgiving with myself about what I can and can’t do, it’s really ok. Anyway, thanks for the dose of realism, that was one of the kindest things you could have done for ME today. (And my laundry room is messier than yours, so you should feel good right back!)
love to see some reality pics, we all want to see that it is happening in other families as well and not only in ours!
Thanks for sharing Leah! You are so right! Love reading your blog! W
Yep this picture is the life of a mom of three busy kids! lol I do want to know what is in the Thomas the Train box and why is it in the laundry room? Are you hiding it? lol
< ![CDATA[Boy I feel so much better Love your blog big fan..Glad
Liz referred me over... ]]>
Thank you. I feel inadequate most of the time, the house is a mess, I’m behind at work, laundry isn’t done. I wonder how I’m going to manage when our adoption finally comes through. Thank you so much for the reminder that I don’t have to be perfect to be happy.
This post made me feel soooo much better about my life! I try to be “together” and it is just a fake
I am so glad I am not alone. Thank you for this post and making my day! Love it when I visit!
Great post! I think HE made us all perfectly imperfect!
Thank you for such wise words & honesty.
It’s so nice to know that others have a dumping ground in their home!
y’know, when I visit people’s homes I notice the degree of messiness (although I am not one who can cast stones!) but it is not the degree of tidiness that makes me comfortable in someone’s home, it is a feeling that host/hostess gives. more recently I’ve been trying to worry less about the cleanliness of my home when visitors come and worry more about making the visitor comfortable and welcome.
You know, I’m taking Ali Edwards class “One Little Word”. One of our first assignments was to take a photo of ourselves. I took mine with my head down on the kitchen table. When I printed it out, I could see debris on the table, Lord only knows what. Food, dust, paper, who knows! At first I thought I’d better retake the photo, but then I realized I don’t care if people see my dust. I live in a state that is FILLED to the brim with dust. I can dust and immediately see more dust just settle on the place I just dusted. And you know what? I really don’t care if people see dust on my table. I know its a family dinner table, I know that I sit with my son and husband and chat about our day each evening. So if people see my debris and think I’m a dirty person, so be it. I really don’t care. Oh, and you should see the Cheerios explosion in my car right now. My son really went to town tossing them around yesterday. I’ll get around to cleaning it up…someday.
Thank you…
Thank you for sharing. Your spirit is worth us learning.
Thank you for sharing.
< ![CDATA[Happy to see your laundry room pic! I wouldn't dare post a pic of my stamp/scrap room.... You are a brave woman!
DeniseB]]>
So funny, you are right, I have stopped looking at some blogs because everything is too perfect! Love your laundry room, we all have a spot like that!! Hope you were able to make a dent in it!!
I have seen my laundry room look like that also. Now I know Im normal