I have been feeling inadequate lately. Part of this stems from two months of sitting around doing next to nothing, and part of this is just me feeling, well, kinda normal.And I am normally inadequate.
I can’t figure out why we just can’t run at the same pace other people do. I feel like I’m not accomplishing much, and I look at people who are up early, like I am, who go all day, like I do, and then who fill up every evening with meetings and classes and plays and activities- which I DO NOT DO BECAUSE I CAN’T TAKE IT, and then I feel not good enough.
Also, I have set some pretty broad no drama, no muss, no fuss rules in my life and household because I can only take so much emotionally. This is healthy self preservation. I just refuse to deal with certain types of people and events that I know are going to do nothing but take away from my energy. Some things I have to do. Right now, I have to have a screaming three year old in my life- I do not have to have high-maintenance, high-drama relationships with people who have a high potential for combustion- so I don’t. I’m fine with crazy friends who takes as much as they give. It’s the users I just don’t bother with.
Basically, I know how much energy I have to function with. I know it isn’t much, and so I try to use it only on the have tos and the want tos, and not the feel-obligated-to-put-up-with-this-crap-stuff.
Even so, I feel like a slacker.
I told Chris that we need to start doing things on the weekends. Don’t get me wrong, we do stuff. Sunday is always church, and the house usually gets a little cleaner on Saturday- but we don’t plan a whole lot of fun stuff. Very few family field trips. We’re boring.
Then this past week came along. We managed to have an evening activity that kept us out until after nine pm wed-sat, and then a piano recital after church today. I’m pooped. I don’t know if I can keep up and retain my mental health. Granted, every week isn’t like that. We usually don’t have more than two nights that get busy, and I protect that like crazy. My kids aren’t involved in oodles of activities because I will lose my mind if every day has an event. Am I a bad mother or a smart mother? Some days I’m not sure.
So I must know- I am a huge wuss because I literally want to just shut down every evening, or is that pretty normal and the handful of overachievers I hang out with are just blessed with a greater capacity to do stuff than I am?